Quote Of The Night (And A Zoological Explanation)

Michael Jackson:

I'm very strong. I have rhinoceros skin.

He's obviously talking about this rhinoceros, not this one.

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KISS Haiku Contest Update

i've narrowed it down to ten finalists in my haiku contest. i wanted to make it nine, but i just can't bring myself to cut one from the list. i think the finalists represent a pretty good mix of the gross haiku, the historical perspective haiku, the anti-KISS haiku, and the haiku with the humorous twist. Here they are:

Tony understands law school and haiku:

Rock and roll all night;
Party ev'ry day - sounds like
Law school's Free Beer Day.

i love Kevin's use of the double entendre here:

it's on video
I saw Annie blow a KISS
hope you've got Quicktime

And this one is just gross, but what else do you expect from the Big Hominid?

ass of Gene Simmons
rudely penetrated by
tongue of Gene Simmons

Tuning Spork says he was trying to introduce meter and rhyme into the contest. i'm not sure he succeded, but i did like this one, which pretty succinctly describes the KISS career cycle:

Paul and Gene in charge;
Ace and Peter hit the road.
Crowds were not as large.

Pursuit's final line in this next haiku is hilarious:

Gene thinks he is hot
Long, gross tongue, hideous face
please leave now, old man

The next one, by a man i once called "The Mark Russell of the Blogosphere" (perhaps prematurely), had me ROTFL:

One in my tight pants.
One in my make-up caked mouth.
Which lizard, baby?

And Emily's lone submission is a crowd favorite, not in spite of, but because of its disregard for the rules.

Gene, stick that frickin' tongue of yours
back in your mouth you filthy
damn pig

Tom gained the support of the Maximum World Order's poet laureate with this one:

My wife saw you play
you spit on her with fake blood
I hope it was fake

El Capitan's haiku were all great, but i picked this one because i figured we had to have at least one poem in the finals that didn't bash KISS:

Ted Nugent opened
KISS then took the stage and then
Blew the damn roof off

And i like the message in number ten, also by El Capitan. To me it says: resistance is futile, you will be assimilated by the KISS Army, regardless of how sucky the band is.

Simple loud cock-rock
Cartoon show for teenage boys
Just embrace your youth

The unfortunate thing about contests is that not everyone can win. Honorable mentions should go to D-Rod for his attempt to work Valentine's day into the contest; Ted for making fun of Victor's Joe Don Baker obsession; Victor for actually working the word "autumn" into his haiku without sounding forced; Shelly and Tom for their slightly non-conforming poems, which i'm convinced were intentionally tweaked ("Haku?" ... "Wed-nes-day?"); Derek for making the only stoner reference, however oblique, in a contest about a rock-and-roll band; and Tuning Spork for the haiku that ended with "please hand me a gun" which made me snort liquid.

Any help in deciding a winner is welcome.

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It's Award Season

Voting in the Jewish and Israeli Blog Awards begins tomorrow. (No. i'm not in it, i think you have to be Jewish.) But some very good blogs have been nominated. If you vote, don't forget to support Munuvans Rishon Rishon* and D. F. Moore** and Simon World. i also plan to vote for Ari Goes Down and Protein Wisdom, both great blogs.
_______________

* Nominated in several categories, including Best Post and Best Series.

** Also nominated in multiple categories.

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Temporal Based Communication

Here's an interesting communication theory i never really thought about before, which i think has a lot of merit. i can think of examples of it among some of my acquaintances and i'm going to watch for it in the future.

i tend to speak in the "was" mode a lot of the time, but that's understandable. i gotta get some use out of my history degrees.

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And The Winner Is The Award Goes To

i'm going through the fifty haiku submitted in the haiku contest, and they're all so good, i'm having trouble selecting a winner. i'm considering scrapping my own secretive and arbitrary criteria and substituting the method used by my property professor when he graded last semester's final exams. That is, so far as i can guess, to find a tall stairway, go to the top, throw all the submissions down the stairs and judge them according to where they land.

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Matt Rustler Interviewed Me

Haha, Matt Rustler is a bad bad person. He interviewed me like around Veteran's Day, i think. Then i waited. And waited. Okay, so i know he's a busy lawyer, husband and father, but heck what about my ego? Huh, how about that?! Anyways, better late than never, he's finally got around to posting it. Topics include Anglophilia, bra-lessness, Catholicism, how i started blogging, my (now ex) boyfriend, Douhetian theory, and Murphy's Stout. Matt's a sweetie, and it was a fun interview. So if you are at all interested in what makes me tick, go over there now and read it.

Update: Reading through the interview, i noticed a contradiction between what i told Matt and what i said in my interview with Sarah about the first blog i ever read. As i recall now, the first blog i ever saw has to have been TranceJen, which i probably pulled up during a google search about electronic trance music. The first blog i ever linked to was, i think, Anne straight from the hip, which is still on my blogroll after all these months. Just my opinion, but both are among the best personal blogs you'll ever hope to find.

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annieconversations: The Hugo Schwyzer Interview

For this month's annieconversation, i interviewed Professor Hugo Schwyzer. His blog is one of my favorites and should be on your regular reading list too; it's always so thought provoking. Topics for discussion include feminism and sexuality, chinchillas, religion, and that ever popular subject: butt-cleavage. How's that for a teaser? Read on. more...

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John Vernon (And Some Other Celebrities)

i just read at Michele's that the great character actor John Vernon passed away. Wow. He was best known for his role as Dean Wormer in Animal House, and yes he was great in that. But i will always remember him as the crooked bank president, Maynard Boyle, in Charley Varrick.

Memorable John Vernon lines from that movie are (paraphrasing): "Look at those cows out there. Man they got it made. What's the worst that could happen to them? A short circuit in the electric milking machine," or later in the same scene, referring to one cow in particular: "Would you look at that one. What a set of jugs!"

But by far his best line from the same scene is his warning to the timid bank manager about what the mob bosses will do to someone who fucks with their money: "These people will strip you naked and go to work on you with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch!"

And who ends up bumping off Vernon's character at the end of the movie? None other than Joe Don Baker, as Molly the hit man.

Anyways, it is sad news.

P.S. Does anyone remember the subtly funny tribute in Futurama a few years ago, in the episode that was a take off on Animal House? The character based on Dean Wormer in the futuristic college was re-named Dean Vernon by the show's writers. i thought that was funny.

Which Reminds Me: Thinking about Charley Varrick got me thinking about the late great Norman Fell, who was also in that movie. That got me thinking about celebrities i have seen in my life because Mr. Fell is on that list. i'm talking about seeing celebrities i've encountered when i wasn't expecting to. (Of course i wouldn't include on any such list someone like Jerry Garcia, whom i saw in concert, since i was expecting to see him, although i'm not sure i have any memory of that event.) Here's the list:

• Mel Gibson, walking on Fifth Avenue in New York City


• Conan O'Brien, in a restaurant in the same city


• Norman Fell, walking with his wife on Market Street in San Francisco


• Whoopie Goldberg, shopping in the Century City Mall


• Danny Bonaduce, at an amusement park


• The wrestler known as the Brooklyn Brawler, at a dance club in the West End of London


• Cindy Crawford, at a Malibu grocery store. And she's as pretty without makeup as she is in print.


• Arnold Schwarzenegger, in Sacramento, where else?


• Eric Chavez, shopping in a Union Square department store


• President Clinton, riding in a limousine in Washington D.C.


• The late Chick Hearn, with his lovely wife Marge, at Sunday mass


• Antonio Fargas, in a liquor store, scratching a lottery ticket

That's all i can think of right now. i'll post more, as i remember them.

Update: Noticing how celebrities always die in threes, this morning i heard about the other two: Max Schmelling and Ozzie Davis.

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Wednesday Is Poetry Day

Action figures have been in the news recently, so i selected this week's poem accordingly. You may recall that Barbie used to go out with a guy named Ken (That was before she started seeing G.I. Joe, of course.) Barbie and Ken were a cute couple, and Ken was a real doll. But they had their struggles, just like any two lovers. i hear they once toyed with the idea of marriage, but as their relationship soured, eventually they had to call it quits. Some say Ken was gay, and i don't know if that is true or not, but the following poem shows that they had other issues too.

Kinky

They decide to exchange heads.
Barbie squeezes the small opening under her chin
over Ken's bulging neck socket. His wide jaw line jostles
atop his girlfriend's body, loosely,
like one of those novelty dogs
destined to gaze from the back windows of cars.
The two dolls chase each other around the orange Country Camper
unsure what they'll do when they're within touching distance.
Ken wants to feel Barbie's toes between his lips,
take off one of her legs and force his whole arm inside her.
With only the vaguest suggestion of genitals,
all the alluring qualities they possess as fashion dolls,
up until now, have done neither of them much good.
But suddenly Barbie is excited looking at her own body
under the weight of Ken's face. He is part circus freak,
part thwarted hermaphrodite. And she is imagining
she is somebody else-- maybe somebody middle class and ordinary,
maybe another teenage model being caught in a scandal.

The night had begun with Barbie getting angry
at finding Ken's blow up doll, folded and stuffed
under the couch. He was defensive and ashamed, especially about
not having the breath to inflate her. But after a round
of pretend-tears, Barbie and Ken vowed to try
to make their relationship work. With their good memories
as sustaining as good food, they listened to late-night radio
talk shows, one featuring Doctor Ruth. When all else fails,
just hold each other, the small sex therapist crooned.
Barbie and Ken, on cue, groped in the dark,
their interchangeable skin glowing, the color of Band-Aids.
Then, they let themselves go-- Soon Barbie was begging Ken
to try on her spandex miniskirt. She showed him how
to pivot as though he was on a runway. Ken begged
to tie Barbie onto his yellow surfboard and spin her
on the kitcen table until she grew dizzy. Anything,
anything, they both said to the other's requests,
their mirrored desires bubbling from the most unlikely places.

By Denise Duhamel, a modern writer who some have called a "feminist poet." Although i don't think she objects to being placed in that pigeonhole, her poetry is often very funny and worthy of a wide audience.

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Useless Ground Hog Day Blogging

What the fuck?!
Today's Ground Hog day ain't it?
i totally forgot.
Happy Ground Hog Day everybody.
What are we supposed to do on Ground Hog Day?
Drink a beer i guess.
Whatever.
Late.

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My Email To The MSM

i thought i'd send an urgent e-mail to the brain trust at MSNBC, AP, CBS et al. How long do you think they'll run with my story before they figure out it's not true? more...

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A Fabulous Prize Will Be Awarded

What could possibly be more absurdly ridiculous than Victor's impromptu Joe Don Baker haiku contest last September? i don't know if that boondoggle can be topped, but i'd like to give it a try.

So today, in a moment of dubious inspiration, i decided that i should hold a haiku contest. Like last time, there will be a prize for the winner. Unlike last time, i will pick a time limit and stick to it.

i think KISS is funny, but it doesn't matter if you despise them, or if you're a lifelong member of of the KISS Army. Hell, half the contestants in the Joe Don Baker contest never even heard of the man. All entries are welcome, and will be judged strictly according to my own secretive and arbitrary criteria.

Please feel free to post your entries here by 10:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time on Thursday, February 3, 2005. i will then select a winner, who will receive a very nice mystery prize. The rest of you i will see in the boardroom, where somebody will be fired.

Update: Thenk you to everyone who participated. Fifty excellent poems were submitted. Now i must try to decide upon a winner.

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Can't Be Too Careful

Whoever says the Iraqi Security forces aren't very good is an ass.

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Voting Rights: An Exercise In Pretty Pictures?

i wonder what the left wing pundits would have said during the height of our country's civil rights movement. Would they have the gall to call African American voters risking their lives to cast a ballot just "an exercise in pretty pictures."

Voting matters. Democracy matters. Back in the sixties there were many people, i'm sure, who said that African Americans didn't want to vote, and couldn't be trusted to participate in Democracy. Those people were called Klansmen.*

Are the nay-sayers in the media, who refuse to see the democratization of Iraq as a good thing, any different than old fashioned racists?
_______________

* You know about the Klan. That's the organization that Democratic Senator Robert Byrd joined.

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This Just In...

...iraqi elections are a failure...

...not all iraqis voted...

...turnout was only 60%...

...under saddam 100% of iraqis voted...

...that's a 40% drop-off...

...new government is illegitimate...

...errr...

...uhhh...

...halliburton!!! halliburton!!! halliburton!!! halliburton!!! halliburton!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!...

...abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig abu graib abu graig aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!...

...WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied WMDs WMDs Condi lied !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

...gaaaaaa buh buh buuuh ga ga ga...

[head explodes]

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The Iraqi Election

i've been out all day and i just got in, so i turned on the tv to find out how the elections are going. Geraldo is on a rooftop, waving at the pilots in the Longbows circling overhead. Cameras inside the polling place show a couple of election workers sitting at tables, but no voters. Geraldo is wearing a flak vest. He's talking by remote with Susan Estrich, who's being as pissy as ever: she's happy but, but, but, where are the WMDs? Idiot. And there's a lone voter down below, waving the Iraqi flag bravely as he walks from the polling place.

Geraldo is in Baghdad, i think. He's very optimistic, but judging by the video, things don't look too promising. Hopefully there are more voters in other parts of the country. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Update: First off, did you see Condi on the George Stepanopolus Comedy hour this morning? Hott! She looks great in a black suit and my bitch boots. When she asked me if she could borrow them, i was all "i don't know babe, are you sure..." But dayyumm, gurl!!!

Nextly, Ted was right. Stepanoplus says that turnout estimates range from 55% to 70% and Fox news picks a number in the middle, at about 60%. By any standard, this has to be seen as great news.

Now, Evan Bayh is telling George Stepalotomous that he disagrees with the fat senator from Massachussetts, we shouldn't cut and run. Steppopotamus is now asking why the senator voted against Condi Rice. Bayh is talking, but i'm not getting a clear answer from him. He voted no because of her "mistakes in judgment" but that doesn't seem consistent with a centrist position. i think Senator Bayh's vote may come back to haunt him if he meets Senator Clinton, who voted yes, in the primaries.

Update 2: Why does every pundit feel the need to remind us that "just because the elections were successful, doesn't mean that there won't be more violence." Is there anyone in the world who believed that the insurgency would end after the election? Has anyone said that?

Update 3: Let's not forget that today is the Vice President's sixty-fourth birthday. Happy Birthday Dick!

Update 4: Here's an excellent question. i know the answer though. They're a bunch of hypocritical cowards.

Update 5: Moxie posted today: "...for those of us who love America, the beauty and payoff was seeing the joy (of those who previously had to vote for Saddam or face his assassins) vote yesterday for what they believed. Without fear." Nicely put.

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Which Tort Am i?

take the WHAT INTENTIONAL TORT ARE YOU test.
and go to mewing.net. because law school made laura do this.

Cool, that's my favorite tort anyways. It's like khaki, 'cause it goes so nicely with all my other torts.

Via Micah!

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The 28²+1 Book Meme

Here's a new book meme. Starting at the top left of your first bookcase, count off your books from left to right until you find the twenty-eighth book. Turn to page twenty-eight and copy the first full paragraph you find on that page. What book is it? Have you read it? Did you like it?

Why the number twenty-eight? i don't know; i had to pick a number and today is January 28th. Besides, if you don't have at least twenty-eight books in your home, the books you do own are probably not very interesting anyway.

Here's mine:

Now to invent something touching the more private career of Claggart, something involving Billy Budd, of which something the latter should be wholly ignorant, some romantic incident implying that Claggart's knowledge of the young bluejacket began at some period anterior to catching sight of him on board the sevety-four--all this, not so difficult to do, might avail in a way more or less interesting to account for whatever of enigma may appear to lurk in the case. But in fact there was nothing of the sort. And yet the cause necessarily to be assumed as the sole one assignable is in its very realism as much charged with that prime element of Radcliffian romance, the mysterious, as any that the ingenuity of the author of The Mysteries of Udolpho could devise. For what can more partake of the mysterious than an antipathy spontaneous and profound such as is evoked in certain exceptional mortals by the mere aspect of some other mortal, however harmless he may be, if not called forth by this very harmlessness itself?

What a bunch of gobbledygook! It's from Billy Budd, Sailor and Other Stories by Herman Melville. i have not read it, and after typing that entire paragraph, and remembering just how turgid Melville's writing is, and what an unpleasant experience reading Moby Dick was... well i think it's fair to say i'd rather be smoking Billy Budd than reading it.

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Shake That Moneymaker!

From Magicvalley.com:

Fidgety Behavior Is Linked to Lean Physique

The difference between being obese or lean may be due to how much a person is apt to stand, pace, wriggle and shift about over the course of a day, a team of scientists reported in an intensive study of the consequences of fidgeting.

. . .

The extra energy burned by the fidgety lean group was about 350 calories a day -- well within the reach of most people. The extra calorie burn amounts to at least 10 pounds a year.

So how come i gain weight when i try to quit smoking?

The most interesting lines from the article were these, i thought:

Each participant wore a special, high-tech set of underwear, which were rigged with sensors and data loggers originally designed to monitor jet fighter motion. The underwear could track most body movements.

Fresh undergarments were supplied each day. Data from the used underwear were downloaded each day to a computer.

Dang, if underwear could talk... i'm not sure if i'd want to know the data offa some people's undies. But then again, there might be some undie-info i'd be very interested in downloading, if you know what i mean.

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Carnival Of The Poetries Update

Oh my, how could i have missed Kevin's latest haiku offering, on the Star Wars meme. An excerpt:

Princess Leia knows
she can never tell poor Han
that she blew Chewie

If Kevin were a gigantic slow moving furry bearded ram (and i can point to no evidence that he is not), i might be tempted to dub him the Basho of the Bantha.

While you're at it, check out my lastest attempt to augment my referrals.

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